まだまだ甘いぜよ～。（私の頭の中でなり響く坂本竜馬の声）

はい。ＮＹ在住のミュージシャン（留学をサポートしてくださる方）とSkypeで話した。

はぁ。。。やっぱ、130万じゃ、1年無理だわ。だからどうやってお金をためるかばっか考えてた。
すき屋で深夜バイトとかロータリークラブに奨学金申請しようとか。でも、70万も貯められないでしょ？
だったら期間に固執したら駄目だ。そこから抜け出して質を求めなければ。

そして私のビジョンはどこにある？仕事辞めて覚悟して行って何を手に入れたい？
そしてその後それをどう生かす？そこをしっかり考えんしゃい！

「生活面の心配もあると思いますが、それよりも、最低ラインをしっかり勉強して練習して、留学に臨んだ方がいいですよ。マラソンと同じですよ。本番のレースまでにいかに準備をするか。そして本番のレースはいかに集中して成長するか。」

ふぇ。。。（涙目）
ちゃらちゃらしてたらあかんでー！

Peach blossoms, plum blossoms and cherry blossoms.
We can enjoy blossoms of these trees in this order.

Peach blossom seems a warm person.
People don’t usually notice peach blossoms.
When people see plum blossoms, they say ‘spring is come.’
Actually, peach blossoms do suggest the beginning of spring, though.
Peach blossoms never try to show off.
When I find you, I become honest. I feel realxed.
I want to see you alone with the way I am.

Plum blossom seems a beautiful person.
A few people can notice plum blossoms, and they enjoy the gorgeous showy pink.
Plum blossom is the symbol of beauty.
If I find you, I feel like having green tea and Japanese cake at a quiet tatami room, looking at you.

Cherry blossom seems a Japanese goddess.
Everyone notices cherry blossoms.
People get together under cherry blossoms and have smiles on their face.
Cherry pedals are flying on the wind.
I start walking somewhere with my back against it.

お金のことでへこんでいるのに加えて、今日のピアノのレッスンで自分の下手さに悩んでダブルパンチ。
日記に書いて、ちょっと自分の頭を整理する。

指が動かない。力が入るから動かないし、和音が出せない。真のある音が出せない。
もっと一つ一つの音を大切にしなくちゃ。ＣＤ聞きすぎて、ＣＤと同じような演奏しようとしても駄目だ。
ＣＤはプロが弾いてるの。それと同じように弾こうとしても、技術がないから走ってしまうだけの演奏になってしまう。確かに、バラード３番はそれなりに曲として必要なテンポが必要だけど、でもテンポだけをその曲にしようとしても、中身のよい音たちが消されてしまうんじゃ、駄目だよね。
しばらくＣＤ聞くのやめて、自分の音を録音してみようか。ゆっくりの練習をもっとしよう。

発表会まで、あと１ヶ月ちょっと。
演奏会の場所は、響きが悪くて、ピアノは小さいグランドで音はキンキンしてて、かつ、ごまかしがきかないピアノらしい。ひえ～～～～～。こわい。これは覚悟してゆっくり練習して本番に臨まなければ。

私、そんなに技術ないのに、どうしてピアノが好きなんだろうね。
想いだけはあるなぁ。私ってそういう人間なのかな。情熱的だけど、うまく歯車にのれていないっていうか。。。私相応の生き方ってなんだろう。

今日、やっと気がついて、やばいと感じる。おそい。。。しかし、現実。
私、ＮＹに1年間滞在できるお金がない。どーん。ちーん。どーん。

６月末までに貯めれる資金は約230万。航空券、海外保険、アート学校授業料、個人留学サポート契約等々、行く前までで１００万くらい無くなる。向こうで１３０万しかない。。。留学をサポートしてくれる人に相談したら、今日返事が返ってきた。「それは厳しいと思います。行かれるまでにもっと資金をためるべきです。」
留学にかかる経費がやっと見えてきて、足りないことにいま気づいた。どうして最初に航空券買ったの？おばかずよ。

とにかく、どうにかして最低70万をどこからか調達しなければいけない。銀行ローン？（これになるか。。。）バイト？（と言っても、仕事の休みが不定休だから組みづらいし、7月まで期間が短いから雇ってもらえないだろうし、なんせ田舎の福井じゃ見つからない。）

ふぇ～ん。
携帯解約しようか。（ん～。でもかかってくる時に必要だし。）インターネット解約しようか。（ん～。でもこれからいろいろ必要になってくるし。）車乗るのやめようか。（ん～。動きづらくなるし。）う～ん。レッスン代は削れない。化粧水とかも必要なり。ってか、１カ月、それ以外にお金使ってないし。１カ月１１万も貯金してるもん。

お金欲しい。

The 8th of February, 2012

Today I will write about one of spring coming signs.

I heard a bird voice when I was practicing the piano.I didn’t realize it was a bird voice for the first time, because I didn’t expect it in the snowy day.When I heard it, I thought it was a noise of something. I thought it might come from my ears. Sometimes when I play the piano, I listen to strange sounds. I guess it’s because there is harmonic sound, or the piano’s condition is not so good. However, I heard something like a bird voice very clearly, so I was wondering what that noise was.

After a while, I realized that it was a bird’s singing. I saw a Japanese bush warbler. I couldn’t believe my eyes for the first time. Everybody would say, ‘It is winter now’. It was snowing, but, for some reason, there was a Japanese bush warbler on a plum tree in our garden. We know Japanese bush warbler shows itself in spring. I can picture that it is on a plum trees which is booming. Even blossom buds didn’t appear yet.

It was cold, but the bird was singing on the plum tree. The bird was playing like a child who became happy if it snows. I feel that this spring is coming little by little. It is fun to find some signs of spring coming.

I enjoyed playing the piano listening to the bird voice. I hoped the bird was also listening to my play. I have a special feeling of new beginning.


PS.I told my grandparents that I saw a Japanese bush warbler. My grandpa said it was a Japanese white-eye.

The 8th of February, 2012

Today I will write about the moment I love the piano.

Since I had a work from this afternoon, I was practicing the piano this morning. I will perform in a piano recital next month. I will play one of Chopin’s songs. I was practicing it very slowly this morning. At the end of the practice, I played it at natural speed. When I was playing the beginning of the song, I felt that I was playing well. It was fun to play it because I could play it like my ideal perform. At the end of the song, I felt that I was so excited and my body was cracking with emotion.

I was certain that I finally understood the song. That perform was exactly what I wanted to express. Sometimes such a situation happens to me after I practice songs very slowly. At this time, it was the first time for me to feel my body was cracking with emotion. It means that I finally could understand the song and express it by myself.

After I played the song, my body kept being excited for a little, and my hands sweated. I was filled with a feeling of freedom, as if I became a pianist on a stage. I felt that I loved the piano so much.

道の雪がなくなり　コンクリートが見える時
冬の終わりを感じる
その終わり方がみっともなくて
私は冬の終わりが一番好きではない

一番好きなのは春の終わり方
風がだんだんと暖かくなり　緑が増え
それは　春の終わりよりも夏の始まりが目立つから


冬の終わりは春の始まりよりも目立つ
だから冬が終わったと思った時　春はすでに始まっていて
１年の４分の１があっという間に過ぎ去ってしまったことにやっと気づく
その時　なんだか少し後悔する
ああ　冬の終わりが春の始まりだともっと感じていればよかった　と


[when I saw the concrete of the road]

When snow on a road melts and we can see the concrete of the road,
I feel the end of winter.
The end of winter looks dirty, so I don’t like it the most.

I like the end of spring the best.
The wind gets to be warmer and warmer, and the grass is greening up.
The coming of summer stands out from the end of spring.


The end of winter stands out from the coming of spring.
So whenever I feel that winter ends, spring has already started.
I finally notice that one fourth of a year had already passed.
Then I regret a little.
‘I should have noticed that the end of winter meant the coming of spring.

Tomorrow, I want to renew myself in both of mind and body. I will have a paid vacation tomorrow, because I feel the need for renewing myself. It would be nice to go to the usual hot spring (but, actually I have only 100yen now) , to do yoga, to chant a lot, and to practice the piano without thinking too much.

Do not think that I am alone and I want to die. Recently I think too much about it. Just thank people who support me, and help them. Just think about what I can do for them. Use my energy not for myself but for other people.

I sent a message to Matthew. I told him that I wanted to see him. It was my honest feeling. The feeling has never been changing, but I had held it in my heart. So I felt better after I did that.

I don't know whether he will reply or not. However, it's not so important. The important thing is that I have to reflect myself if he doesn't reply, because the situation like this is the second time for me; I had loved a person for a long time before, and I had been sending postcards to him once a month for 3 years. He had answered to me sometimes. I stopped doing that since I had decided to give up. However he is still a important person for me and I respect him. So I decided to make contact with him on the new year, but he didn't answer. I guess it means he wants me to stop doing that.

So if Matthew doesn't reply, I have to reflect on myself. I am learning that it's better not to make contact with men who rejected me. Yes, I understood! All of my friends and my sister said that to me many times. However I am not a good learner about love; My honest feeling is the most strongest, and I always act on my honest feeling.

There are a lot to learn from the life, and there are a lot to lose important persons from the life. How brief and fragile the life is! So, at least, I want to do something for other people in my brief life.

I followed a snowflake with my eyes.
I could see the snowflake's trail.
The snowflake made a curve.

I followed other snowflakes with my eyes.
Ipictured a lot of curves from the sky to the ground.
These curves looked like curly hair.

Snowflakes might be the sky's hair.
Snowflakes must be curly hair.
Raindrops must be straight hair.

The sky also enjoys changing its hair style.



「空のヘアスタイル」


一粒の雪を目で追うと　雪の軌跡がみえた
曲線を描いていた

目に見えるすべての雪の曲線を思い浮かべた


パーマみたい

雪は空パーマみたい
それじゃ　
雨はストレートパーマね


空もヘアスタイルを楽しんでいる

とつぜん　まふゆに会いたくてたまらない時がある。
そんな時は　ただ　心に残る思い出を思い浮かべる。
まふゆのやさしい表情が　頭の中を支配する。

どんなに時間が経っても　あなたに会いたい私がここにいる。
でも　何もできないし　どうすることもできないね。

できることと言えば
こうやって　その思いを素直に書いて
文字の世界の中で　自由にさせてあげること。
それだけ。


[Let my feeling be free]

Sometimes, I suddenly feel like seeing Matthew.
At such times, I just remember memories with him.
His affectionate look on his face dominates my mind.

No matter how long time passed, I who want to see him am here.
But I can't do anything and nothing will change.

What I can do is that
I write down this feeling honestly,
and let it be free in the literal world.

That's what I can do.