jianersejiang

Une nuit sans sommeil à regarder les lucioles avec Hanzo

① Introduction
L’autre jour, en regardant une vidéo de jeu, j’ai remarqué quelques différences dans les sous-titres anglais par rapport au texte original japonais.
Deux passages posaient particulièrement problème.

② Le texte original et les sous-titres erronés
Texte original (japonais) : « もっと聞きたいとは、もの好きな女だな、お前は。俺自身己の話を聞きたいとは到底思えぬ。 »
Sous-titre erroné (anglais) : What a curious woman you are, wanting to hear more. I myself have no interest in hearing your story.

Problème :
Le sous-titre anglais inverse le sujet et l’objet : il donne l’impression que le personnage principal n’a pas envie d’entendre l’histoire de la femme, alors qu’en réalité il dit qu’il n’a pas envie d’entendre parler de sa propre fille.

Ce n’est donc pas une simple nuance, mais une traduction qui change radicalement le sens.

Texte original : « 手をすり合わせる程度では無駄だ。 »
Sous-titre erroné (anglais) : Begging me won’t help.

Explication : L’action légère de “frotter les mains” n’est pas exactement équivalente à “supplier”, et la nuance du texte original n’est pas rendue.

③ Proposition de traduction corrigée
1er passage :
> “What a curious woman you are, wanting to hear more. I have no interest in hearing about my daughter myself.”
2e passage :
> “Rubbing your hands together won’t help.”

④ Conclusion
> Comme on le voit ici, une traduction trop libre ou une mauvaise interprétation du contexte peut altérer profondément le sens original.
Dans les sous-titres anglais, la lisibilité et le rythme sont importants, donc ce genre d’écart n’est pas rare.
Comparer le texte original et la traduction permet toutefois de mieux apprécier la difficulté et l’intérêt de la traduction.

⑤Corrected English Version
Hmm, hey girl, what are you doing this late at night? Why are you dressed like that?

​You couldn’t sleep? Going to do more training? That’s amusing.

I’m not telling you to stop. But if you get too energized, it will only make it harder to fall asleep.

If you know what to do, just lie down quietly, and you’ll get sleepy eventually.

You tried that already? Okay then, how about reading a book?

That didn’t work either? Then I don't know what to tell you.

I have no such experience. It’s part of my skill to sleep whenever I can.

Even if I can’t sleep, I will be awake until morning. Same as doing night duty.

You shouldn't do it. You're going to ruin your sleep like that.

Don’t look so pitiable. You won’t find your answer just by looking at me.

Ah, the dawn is going to break if we stay like this. Well, girl, change into your normal outfit and follow me.

You’ll see when you get there. Hurry up.

Here we are. This is it.

It’s obvious. It’s nothing but a river. Just be quiet and watch the water.

The moon isn’t so shiny this evening. They will probably come out.

Here they are, I can see them now.

I didn’t think you’d be that surprised. Fireflies can be found anywhere, right?

First time seeing them this year…

Well, their flickering lights will put your mind at ease. That should make you sleepy.

No need to thank me. It's merely better than training, that's all.

It’s not the most exciting sight, but you seem to feel better.

Yes, indeed, this sight is soothing. Huh, it’s nothing. Just calm down a little.

Wait, where are you going? Almost no moonlight. If you get too close, you’ll fall…

Yeah, you are a shinobi too. You have no problem seeing things at night.

Oh, I’m sorry for grabbing your hand.

Well, there are plenty of them around here. You can sit down here.

Why are you hesitating? Hurry up.

Don’t worry about me. I know you are skilled, but I can’t go home leaving a girl like you alone.

Oh, or is it more comfortable if you are alone? If so…

What? You are lonely by yourself? Oh, well, then sit down.

Are you nervous sitting next to me?

Then keep your eyes on the fireflies. More are coming here.

Huh, no, I found this place by chance. They probably grow in colonies here.

​Firefly hunting. Yeah, I once accompanied my lord. It was a short trip, but I panicked when he started walking without a lantern. I know it was hard to spot fireflies, but it wasn’t safe to go empty-handed.

How can it be fun? My lord’s behaviours always bother me.

​I’m not being talkative. Keep your eyes on the fireflies instead; my stories aren’t interesting for you.

You want to hear more? You’re quite a peculiar woman. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to listen to a man talk about himself.

​Umm, it’s getting a little windy. I heard fireflies appear more when there’s no wind.

Are you cold? That was a very loud sneeze.

Don’t cover it up. If you catch a cold, I will feel terrible. Let’s go back right now.

You can’t leave this scenery behind?

What a strange thing to say.

Rubbing your hands like that won’t do any good.

Okay, all right. Well then, turn around.

I'm just warming your hands. Wrapping them in mine is more efficient.

Just don’t move; it’s hard.

​Well, they’re definitely cold. I should blow on them.

...Embarrassed? ...I don’t see why.

Come to think of it, it certainly is strange. What on earth am I doing, especially with a girl like you?

​It was the same... a while ago. When you went close to the river, I grabbed your hand and stopped you. I know you are a shinobi, but you seem so vulnerable to me.

I’m not saying it’s unpleasant. I also know that you are skilled. If I didn’t do it, I would just have a bad dream.

But don’t force yourself to be tense. You are still you.

If you understand, just stay as you are. Okay?

Yeah, that’s better for me, too.

​Mmm, why does it land on my hand? It’s an unwary firefly.

There’s nothing here; get back to your buddies, come on.

No. That’s the wrong way. Hey girl, stop laughing and do something.

Do I have to stay still? Because you want to see it up close? You stay still, too. We’re holding hands.

Don’t think; your movements are awkward.

​Ah, it moved on to the other hand. I’ll let you hold it.

Bring it up to your eye; you can see it better.

You look like you’re having fun, like a child.

What’s wrong? Fireflies are brighter than you think. I can see your face well, too.

Why are you turning your face away? I’m sure I didn’t say anything weird.

​It flew away. Don’t be so disappointed. There are still others around here.

Oh, you are shivering. Are you still cold? Your hands are cold, too. They will just get colder and colder.

You said I don’t have to hold your hands anymore, but you can’t stay longer here.

​Ummm, well then, girl, sit between my knees.

Why are you surprised? I’m only blocking the wind for you.

Don’t lie to me. I don’t believe someone reluctant to leave suddenly says “I’m going home.”

Come on quickly. Relax and look ahead. I just pulled you toward me.

​If I hold you from behind, you can still see the fireflies. I’m sure I’m not disturbing you.

Your shoulders twitched. So you're that tense?

We are too close? Hmm, it’s nothing to be aware of.

Anyway, you are so tiny.

It’s you. I thought that when I held your hand, but now I feel it even more.

It’s something obvious, but I feel strange. I even think I can never let you go.

​Yeah, I’m still weird today, huh?

Even you’re saying things like that to me...

I know that, too. Maybe this view is making me feel like that.

Don’t look so surprised. I get moved too. That’s why I do strange things like this.

Talking too much and touching you are all because of that.

​Are you embarrassed? Your heart is beating fast.

Because of the fireflies? Hmm, I see. Well, let’s leave it at that.

I said I understood. Do you like fireflies that much?

No, not many people dislike them. Our predecessors also left many poems about fireflies. Ah, fireflies must have something that attracts people.

​What’s wrong? Don’t you know? The firefly’s light is often used as a metaphor for the stars or fishing fires. And it also refers to the fire of love that is kindled in one's own heart.

Burning with love. What a good phrase. When I saw the fireflies tonight, I thought I saw the fire. No, I should say the moment I saw you enjoying this scenery.

​At first, you were just a girl to me. But I realized I was starting to care about you.

When I found this place the other day, the first thing I thought of was you. It was the first time I wanted to see the same scenery with someone. I can’t believe that something like this happened to me. But this warm feeling is not bad. If it’s with you, I can walk hand in hand. I feel this way because it’s you.

​Hm? ...Are you asleep?

Oh, when did she stop listening, I wonder.

No, that’s actually better. I said something weird.

You’re sleeping soundly, though. To think you'd let down your guard to this extent...

Enju, you should be more cautious. You can’t let your guard down like that.

It’s no use saying anything to the sleeping person. Since she said she couldn’t sleep, I guess, I have to carry her on my back and go home.

...I must be losing my mind today.

​Don’t wake up until tomorrow morning. I don’t want you to see my flushed face.


Remarques :
La formulation est neutre et explicative, pas critique envers le traducteur.
Le point principal (“inversion du sujet/objet”) est bien mis en avant comme une erreur significative.