はっぴぃす　～Yes I can～

ついさきほど、彼と恋人関係を解消することになりました。


この年の瀬に、何をやっているんだろうって感じです。

部屋の掃除（もはや大掃除は諦め、新年のお仕事にします）も手付かずなのに。

しかも、彼のヘッドセットが壊れたため、チャット・・・本当は話したかったけれど、末恐ろしい金額になること間違いないので、断念。



なんと説明して良いのやら。

それに、実感がないのです。以前より、私は自分に出来る努力はしていると思っていて、でも微妙なのは、お互いがすれ違っているからだと考えていた。だから、それをどうにかしたいと思っていて、もしもできないのであれば、ご縁がなかったのかなぁって考えていた。

今回、彼からハナシがあると言われた時から、こうなることを私は予感していた。彼は年が明けたら話をしたいと言ったのだけど、私は（嫌なことは）年内に済ませたい（新年はキモチ新たにいきたい）と言い、今朝になった。


以下、適度に割愛していますが生ログです。ご興味があれば、お読み下さい。



Mag：How do you feel when you don't get responses from me that often these days?

私：In this summer, I worried about you and us.
Now I think you're busy or you have less interestings to me

Mag：Exactly. I feel bad when I think of how you must be sad for not getting much response from me.

私：Did you feel so? I didn't know that.

Mag：I am verry busy and often to tired to write. Which makes me feel bad since I know you are waiting for me.

私：Gomen ;( But you tell me the reason, I can understand and not be sad.

Mag：You have nothing to be sorry about.My point is that I feel like I am holding you back from living your life. Since you are always waiting for me.

私：Actually I wait you. Because I don't know what should I do.If I know our schedule, I don't wait you.For example, our date before

Mag：I didn't only mean waiting as in waiting for me to come online.I didn't only mean waiting as in waiting for me to come online.It's really hard to write this, but I think it would actually be harder to say it

私：I just hope to know your feeling

Mag：I don't want to loose you. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met and treasure the day we first met.But this feeling of holding you back is not something I can live with

私：I mean if you don't say any affection words, I feel you lost love to me

Mag：My feelings for you haven't changed since we first met. But I am unable to express them and give you what you deserve. Atleast not as things are now

私：You hope to break up?

Mag：Nope I never said that. I do however have a sugestion that would make things easier for us and will let us see how things will look in the future

私：Sorry I'm not sure your saying last sentence

Mag：Well what I wanted to sugest was that we take our relationship one step back. Like it was before we became a couple. Atleast for the moment.

This would mean that we are the best of friends.
We can talk about anything and be there for eachother.

Untill we know how the future will look for the both of us I think this would help us both.

Or rather more then a friend, I trust you far more then a friend. Even my best friends here in sweden

And if we see that things are looking good we can try again to become a couple.

Because I feel that as things are now we are just hurting eachother. Even tho we want to love eachother

私：Mag I didn't know how much you think of me.I just think you don't care of me and felt sad

Mag：I think of you every day. But lately I only think of how sad you must be.


（中略）


私：I hope we keep our relationship as couples.If you can.Because I can't find the reasons to finish now

Mag：I would like to try this out as really close friends. atleast for a little while. Want to see how it will affect our communication.Anyway I need to get some rest now

私：I want to try to re-start, but you seem not hopes.I think it might be better as you hope

Mag：We could try a restart but I want to try this first if it's ok with you

私：I can't what you hope

Mag：You don't want to be my closest friend? :(

私：You don't hope couple, right?

Mag：I do but I want to see if being friends will bring us closer then as a couple


（彼が深夜で眠くなってしまった為、チャットは終了）

最終的な決断、言葉は出ていませんが、決まったと思っています。



しかし、不思議な心境です。



こんな感じで、年越しをするヒトもいます（苦笑）


でも、みなさまは、

良いお年をお過ごし下さい。


gott nytt ar!